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Desperately Seeking Sanity: COVERT NARCISSISTIC ABUSE


WARNING

Some of the Content in this article maybe disturbing.
It is.

  “It is Important though that I get my story out there in order to help someone possibly feel sane again by reminding them that they are not alone.

Since I was 20, I have (The realization of this didn’t come until recently surprisingly) devoted my entire life to my family. I was married , I took care of our home and the children .

“This wasn’t my first marriage but by far the hardest .”

Currently I Am sitting outside of the movie theater right now waiting for my soon to be ex-husband and my youngest daughter .      I had reserved seats and snacks . Everything, all lined up for her and I.
But ,decided to invite said husband after reflecting on the conversation my daughter and I shared about how her

“daddy didn’t used to always be the way that he is now”

..and that I ..

“wish you could remember”.

While defending him and his behavior towards me. In hopes that she doesn’t get her definition of love from what she has experienced through him and I.

She has wanted her daddy to go somewhere with her other than to the store for a couple years now.
He has become extremely depressed and sociopathic and, I believe, narcissistic.

“I don’t know , all of the above.”

A result of a past drug addiction that left some wounds he has refused to go to a doctor or anybody to talk to about in order to heal properly . Instead he has taken out this horrible reflection of himself on me.

A few years ago I got good ….

..and lucky I guess, when I learned and began to invest in the stock market . (I still do and it’s the only thing saving my ass.) But anyways, he grew jealous I think. Even though I had given my best effort‘s to make him a part of everything as far as learning . I was just learning too after all. But, he failed to realize or remember that.

For the first time after being a stay at home mom for the past 15 years, I had become successful when I went back to work and still continue to surprise myself daily. But it’s still not enough because I have had to pick up the financial pieces of this man in abundance and after the exhaustion of all of my 12 brokerage accounts that he needed to use in order to pay off his debts .

Constantly working on something in order to both accommodate all of this and to fill the void that has been left with the absence of the family that …

..I FRIGGIN RAISED!(Bitter?, you bet!)has been my temporary solution to all of this.

 

“I started my own business and it turned into more than one.”

I decided to go back to school full-time . And am currently feeling miserable , failing miserably too , I might add, because of my chaotic schedule and this giant boulder standing in front of me telling me I’m worthless the whole way up the damn hill.

“My husband and I haven’t been anywhere outside of our house together  in years .
We cannot tolerate one another.”

Not because we fight, but because I am the only one that knows his truth.
He cannot face me for longer than a few minutes before he starts verbally putting me down in an attempt to manipulate me into thinking I am nothing, because of this fact.
His pride makes him cruel and he has used my story of his deception and theft that he has inflicted on me ,and turned it into a twisted version. One that I have,instead, done to him!

This was done in order to obtain financial benefits from family and friends.

He has made me out to be a drug addict and/or a person with a shopping addiction. Anything , except for a woman taking care of herself, her kids and her home in the savviest of ways possible .

“Actually, that is how I got into my business. I decided to save money by making my own cleaning products and it turned into a soap line and Wala! DevineSelfAwareness llc. was born.”

Where a normal husband would have taken pride in his wife’s accomplishments in such a short period of time. Or saw the opportunity that she had laid out in front of him.

Even Our kids’ future ,him not having to kill himself daily going to a job that he hates. By giving him the opportunity at an upper level management position. One that i can remember thinking he deserved.

   “He wouldn’t have had to worry about anything! We could have had the most amazing life.”

Not just off of me and my financial situation, because they’re not good at the moment , lol,!  However, they could be great if I had support.

That is my problem ..

“What am I supposed to do?”

Comments  are welcome![/wpdiscuz-feedback]

I have everything in the world to gain and am really amazing at what I do , or anything I put my mind to. And I am not boasting about that . In fact, that’s actually why I never did much . My expectations for myself are too high and I will kill myself to exceed whatever personal goal I have set. Most of the groundwork has been laid.

“But I am only one person and it isn’t humanly possible to build without some kind of help!”

If he only knew the possibilities with just a little help and I mean in terms of the kids , the house & Himself.

“I could be great !”

I would be the opposite of what he has told me I am for years…..worthless.

 

“To be honest, I believe this is why he won’t let me fly.”

I think that he gets a twisted sick pleasure out of being in control and when I gained financial control over myself he felt out of control which made him both defensive and mean. Do you know how hard it is to live with your bully? He refuses to leave and he’s taken all of my financial freedom away like I’m just some piece of trash he picked up. Not like the wife and mother to his children for the past 15 years!

Up until recently I didn’t have anything and I had to be extremely witty in order to regain some footing. Again, I invest and thank God for that.
As much as he has done and as much as I hate him and I do hate him, yet I have even offered to buy or build a home where there is either a guest house or a separate pole barn that could be turned into a guesthouse. So that we coukd stay financially stable on one land and both be there for our daughter.
Because , of course, he is fighting me about having custody of her.

 

“The only reason that I will not allow it right now is because he can’t take care of himself .”

   He’s disgusting! I see how it is when him and my daughter are alone and she cannot live like that !

So , it is correct for her to stay with me . Even just on those terms. The other one, is that I don’t trust that he will let me see her.
He will eventually, but I believe he will hold her against me anytime he gets a chance.
He has in the past , and he does now , when given the chance.

“He’s just that type of person and all out of spite.”

I have an ex that I deal with , keep in mind,  and I’m sure he will vouch that I have never been a “” baby mama! I believe that the child , no matter what, should be with the each parent equal amounts of time if it is able to be accommodated that way. I don’t believe in child support . But instead, supplying the things necessary to take care of the child when they are in your care is more fair .
My husband thinks that I am going to take him for everything that he has and I should! However, child support is the main issue .

“Money means the world to him, despite the fact that he has none.”

This man has taken our bill money out of bill pay from my account saying I wasn’t paying the bills , just so he could have more money to spend without anything to show for it.  Keep in mind he makes very good money and I have paid every single bill at a six month interval because he has let them go so long for the past two years.  I don’t know what he does with his money. Absolutely  no clue. Yes , I am as wife , but it hasn’t been like that for the past four years. It’s like we are strangers . He doesn’t even know who I am! He thinks that what I do exists only in my mind and proceeds to tell the family this as well .

“Personally, I find our family ignorant and always have.”

It has been exhausting for me to go around them and dumb myself down , I’m not a genius keep in mind, just not on their level of humor in conversation . I’m always defending myself whether it’s because I’m “stuck up” or because I eat my pork chop with a fork . Or, because I am white.

I am ALWAYS defending that I’m a “white girl” . .

..to me that’s not fun.

Once  I gained a little bit of confidence in myself I realized I didn’t have to put up with that and I refrained from going over out of my way to be a part of it. But by doing so it has caused my husband to have a clear

shot at destroying my character which of course he has taken full advantage of to convince everyone that my absence is a result of me being a crack head, or a slut ,or that I am not doing anything that is related to being a mother or a wife.

Conveniently he’s leaving out..

..the part that he has bullied and belittled me and I have been trapped in our basement  the past year to avoid it. I didn’t see my daughter as much and only until I started renting hotel rooms did this change.

“Sitting in the same room with him is like getting kicked in the stomach. I think it would’ve been better and easier to handle if he was.”

 

Discovering that I had a heart problem was when he quit.

Maybe it was easier for him to ignore it to rather than to cope with it . But that was when we fully stopped talking completely and he started becoming cruel. Being told my heart problem doesn’t exist and having my family either not know or think that it’s in my head.

“It exists trust me.”

I get lightheaded , due to lack of oxygen, and he has managed to tell everyone that this is me fading out on drugs . Seriously, it is insane ! I don’t have a voice . Luckily my

school career counselor heard me. He is worried sick for my daughter and my safety.
“ I didn’t realize it had been a safety issue because there’s no physical violence.”

I didn’t realize how strong minded he had made me with the abuse I have mentally been taking on the last decade or so of our marriage. My only hope now is to be able to prove to everyone with my degree , I guess, that I am exactly who I’ve always claimed to be.

He should get locked up because he is obviously the only one who is insane.
 Completely insane. To have pulled off or attempted to pull off such an elaborate stunt against his own wife for over two years now . That is crazy ! And I wanna kill myself sometimes more often than not because I feel helpless and like there’s no hope.

“It is so unhealthy here .”

Actually, I pray something happens to him good or bad. Just as long as it gets him far away from me. I only hope that it happens sooner rather than later so I can begin to build a relationship with my children and give them a chance to get to know me and not who they have been told I am from someone who ,I truly believe the entire time has wanted me dead by way of my own hand . That sounds so dramatic ,but it’s a real thing that happens a lot sadly .

FYI, mental abuse is very real !  Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. In fact I think that makes it even more dangerous.
So, if you or someone you know is in a situation similar get them help immediately. Don’t standby. For Christ sakes, at least ask them if you’re hearing stories from their spouse and not them . Ask them! Because it could save somebody’s life. I would kill for someone to ask me or help me.    Unfortunately I am the grown up and alone. Humbled having to rely on the kindness of strangers to hear me in order to prove who my character actually is.

Can you hear me?!?!

  It would be a god send if I could find help getting away from this monster I once called my husband . However, I have learned it’s best not to count on anyone but yourself in order to achieve happiness. So send all good vibes my way, and I shall do the same .

”Treat others How you want to be treated”.  Sometimes it’s hard to think that way at all. Especially in this life. But, I have faith in knowing that at least I won’t see him in hell.

 

 

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

 

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Very touching, and yes these kind of stories are open discussion topics because entrepreneurs go through these things often.

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